OMG!
I just finished watching the 6 videos that make up a lecture that Robert Smith has on Youtube called the Language of the Soul. There is one exercise that he has us do and I picked a particular memory I have of my mother and although I've always knows I had that memory, I've never allowed myself to really feel it because of the terror of the moment. But I let myself go back there and feel it so that I could let it go. Then he asks to go to a happy memory, and I chose the moment my son was born and they placed him on my chest, in the delivery room I remember shouting "It's a boy! It's a boy!" and my hands went up to my chest as it did 25 years ago and hold this little baby and I'm crying tears of joy.
But what I found amazing was that in the memory, I held out my baby to my mother and introduced her to her new grandson and I was laughing and crying with her. What's amazing is that her and I were 1500 miles apart when my son was born.
Then Robert says to go back to the bad memory to see how strong it still was and I am there as the adult I am now looking at what is about to happen to the 7 year old me and I called out to my mother "Mom, it's ok mom, come here!" I see her turn around and I take her in my arms and tell her I forgive her, and she starts to cry and I am sobbing. And in this version, the 7 year old me is spared the terror.
When I took my mother in my arms I felt all the rage and frustration and fear that she felt at that moment and I saw how her own mother had traumatized her. My mother loved me with the same amount of love that her mother loved her and probably how her mother's mother loved her daugther.
I don't feel terrorized anymore.
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